A Devastating Divorce (or was it?)

  Contributed by Jennifer Hooper

When my girls were five and six, I looked at my friend’s life and observed (despite the divorced part) her life was kind of great. 50% of the time, she was free to be a real person, not entrenched in the roles of “mom” and a “wife.” Wrapped by a blanket of guilt, I felt mildly envious.  I consoled myself by knowing that “at least my family is intact.” 

Fast-forward 10 years. I’m divorced, and my teen daughters divide their time between my house and their dad’s. I hadn’t seen that coming.

There were some deeply devastating years.  Wretched emotions that I never knew existed became a part of my daily routine.  (When I’d been looking at my friend’s life, I hadn’t witnessed that part.)  When my husband moved out, I was a zombie during the day, barely functioning as each hour crept by.  During sleepless nights, I wept oceans of tears—alone in a big house and an empty bed—which felt even worse.

The divorce became final, and my life was pretty messy. It wasn’t until I realized that I had choices that things began to look up. For the first time in 16 years, I realized I had complete control of where I was headed, without having to compromise, sacrifice, share, or settle.  Supportive of these ideals in marriage, once single again, I found relief in not having to abide by them.

So I made some choices.  I chose not to be a victim.  I chose not to let my divorce define me as a failure.  I chose to look forward, not back.  I chose to acknowledge it was divorce, not the devastation of cancer, death, or war.  I chose perspective.

Three years post-divorce, imperfection persists in my life.  But now I embrace it and welcome it for all the lessons it has to offer.  I walk lighter, laugh more, experience more.  My life is good.

The real value is not the “time off” I get from being a parent (turns out it doesn’t work out that way anyway), but the joy I have discovered within myself.  I look back at the woman I was in my marriage and realize I was completely depleted: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It’s no wonder my partnership withered; I had withered.  

The real lesson here is that my spirit needs regular doses of nourishment, whether I’m alone or in partnership.  It’s not a lesson I expected to gain from divorce, but it’s certainly a lesson that I treasure now.